WHEN I WAS A CHILD

By Trent Buckroyd

“When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.”

—1 Corinthians 13:11 (King James Bible translation)

Now that I’ve reached my 40s I’ve come to realize that there are just certain things that I, or anyone over 40 for that matter, just probably shouldn’t do (like grow ironic facial hair, wear T-shirts with funny sayings on them, or sport a baseball cap turned backwards). I’ve noticed lately that there is just the slightest bulging of the eyes or raising of the eyebrow when I converse with my contemporaries. I’m thinking that I really might need to edit my vocabulary. Yes, now that I’m in my 40s, I think that some of these should probably be permanently removed from my lexicon…especially when speaking with my physician, my kid’s soccer coach, or cops.

40 THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IF YOU’RE OVER 40:

1. Kick Ass!
2. Drop it like it’s hot
3. “Get your _______ on.” i.e. get you “swag” on, or get your “drink” on, etc. (Expectable options: “pants,” “jacket” or “shoes”)
4. “Hella”
5. Hells yes
6. Dope (Only a no-no when used as an adjective, still perfectly fine as a noun)
7. Sweeeeeet
8. Killer
9. Sexting
10. Bootylicious
11. Booty call
12. Fuckin’ A!
13. Va-Jay-Jay
14. Me so horny
15. Radical (Exceptions: when speaking about surgery or a political viewpoint)
16. Playa
17. You the man, dog
18. Off the hook
19. Apps. (Go ahead and say “applications,” you’re really not saving that much time by abbreviating it, and you sound like a douche)
20. Douche
21. Baby mama
22. Baby mama drama
23. Righteous (Unless referring to the Dali Lama or another holy man)
24. How I roll (Gymnasts excluded)
25. In the Hee-Zee
26. Unfriend (Note to all the Facebook people who bitch about not having a “dislike” button. Are you really so busy that you can’t type the comment “I don’t like this”? You need a button?!?!)
27. Gangsta
28. OMG! LOL! ROFLMAO! (FYI)
29. Hardcore (Unless you are speaking to the guy behind the counter at the video store and your conversation also contains the words “Latinas” and “stilettos”)
30. Bro, Brah, Broseph, or Brougham (Brougham is okay if you happen to be at a Cadillac dealership)
31. Teachable moment (Unless of course you are an actual teacher)
32. Panties (I ‘m not sure why, but this one just never feels right to say, regardless of age)
33. I’d like to send a big shout out to…
34. Holla
35. Yummy
36. Cougar
37. Muffin Top
38. Dude
39. What up, bitches?
40. Ambercrombie and/or Fitch