By Dale Brasel
You know the adage “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” It occurred to me recently, as an Ole Dawg, that nobody bothered to ask the dog if he cared to learn the aforementioned tricks. I know some dogs who lead a great life with the skill sets they have learned thus far. I’ve got a great life too. It’s not that I don’t have a yearning for acquiring further knowledge, but there are certain “tricks” that I haven’t felt any urgency to learn at this point in my life, and am somehow completely fine with feeling that maybe I just don’t need to. It is said that with age comes wisdom. I’m not buying that. I think that with age comes a particular gift for knowing when to just let things go, and doing so with a smile on your face. My head is cluttered enough with useless skills. I’m still waiting to actually apply trigonometry and the 50 memorized state capitols to anything in my life.
At 46, I still haven’t learned the “trick” to folding a fitted sheet. My sheets usually go straight from the dryer to the mattress, or an unvisited linen cabinet until I have the rare out-of-town guest, so why bother? I don’t see how this skill is truly going to enrich my life. I don’t know how to tie a bowtie, and don’t give a poo. I can’t make fart noises with my armpit (but think this “trick” might be handy in the right social situation). I can’t put a hem in my pants or do anything with a sewing machine. My dry cleaner does more than just clean. Can’t juggle or ride a unicycle. Can’t do the splits. Can’t tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Can’t hit the high notes on Minnie Ripperton’s “Loving You.” Can’t weld, but can solder…also useless. I don’t know how to drive a car with a standard transmission. Haven’t had to know so far, and I don’t plan on having to drive a tractor anytime soon.
Oddly, there are many tricks I haven’t learned that pertain to vehicles. I can’t change my own oil. I don’t really know how that trailer ball on the back of my car works. I’ve never used it, and probably never will. Don’t know what that button with ESP written on it really, truly does. I’ve never touched it, and have always been suspicious of its powers. I still have trouble defogging my interior windows. Sure, there are little symbols on dashboards dials, but are those symbols for defogging or defrosting? I don’t encounter a lot of ice on my windshield in Los Angeles. I’ve got a special little button on my console that all I do is push and the rear window magically defogs seemingly on its own. Why, oh why, can’t this same “trick” be used for the front windshield? If it’s cold outside, do I make the car interior temperature cold too? Or do I make it warm? And why does the air blow so loud, yet seem to do nothing except on the bottom few inches of the glass? I don’t know. It’s more fun to ponder than to actually learn, so I usually just roll down my windows and stick my head out like a Golden Retriever on an excursion until I either I reach my destination, or until the windows just clear up from the fresh air outside. I have, however, never run out of gas. It’s not much of a “new trick,” I know, but how many people do you know who travel with an empty gas can in their trunk?
Old dogs aren’t dumb. They’ve just learned the ageless “trick” of knowing how it’s all going to work out.
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