Can’t We All Just Get Along (Again)?

By Lawrence Schubert

Is the World Cup over yet?

Can I come out of my room?

Have they stopped blowing those funny horns?

Is it safe to sign onto Facebook again? 
(Or as safe as it ever was?)

 There was a story in the L.A. Times about a guy named Jose who was wearing his Mexican flag bandana during the W-Cup games, but he felt compelled to explain, after being grilled by that newspaper’s intrepid reporter, that he was only doing it for sporting reasons. He loves being an American and last year when he attended the Immigrants’ Rights Day rally in downtown L.A., he wore his American flag bandana. If I was looking for an argument, I’d say: So, Jose-let me get this straight. When you’re complaining, you’re an American, and when you’re a sports enthusiast, you’re a Mexican. But I’m not looking for an argument. Jose looked pretty hot and I’d love to meet him on Olvera Street and buy him a cerveza. They need the business and I need the company.

  Why can’t we all just get along? God knows we haven’t quite sunk to the level of paranoia they have in Arizona, but there is still that subtle suspicion lurking behind all these “Where are your real loyalties?” stories that there is a secret Mexican plot afoot to reclaim California (aka the Northern Territories), install Lupillo Rivera as El Presidente and put all us gringos in prison camps where we will be forced to listen to narcocorridos 24/7.

  Shortly after that the Armenians will probably annex Glendale and claim it for the restored Armenian Empire. My bank branch is chock full of them-it’s like some weird Armenian diaspora. They must be up to something, even if they didn’t have a team to cheer for in the WC. They’ve produced at least one great filmmaker, Sergei Paradjanov, and even if he doesn’t have his own jersey, any one of his films is worth a cabinet full of World Cup cups, or whatever they hand the victor in that sweaty jersey mashup.    

   Forget the W-Cup, let’s hear it for the D-Cup.

   Or, as Russ Meyer would have it, the Double-D.

   Why must everything in life be in opposition?

   Why can’t we be happy unless someone else is miserable? I guess it’s because you can’t be a winner unless someone else is a loser. Maybe that’s why I never had much affinity for sports, and never warmed up to “American Idol.” I’d have been a lousy cheerleader for the gladiators at the old Roman Colosseum. If they were all as hot as Russell Crowe (used to be) I’d have asked them all out for a cup of grog and then back to my place for a lusty game of charades. No need to get all bloody and bruised, unless role-playing turns you on.

   I go to the opera. At the opera they don’t cheer the soprano and hiss the baritone. They cheer everyone. That’s probably why operas run so long-they cheer after every aria. They cheer lustily. And at the end, the audience cheers again, and stands up, and cheers the conductor, and the whole cast right down to the extras, and even the third flute, who probably didn’t even play, he’s just there because he’s union. And then everyone goes home, exhausted, mainly because it takes a half hour to get out of the parking garage, but also exhilarated, and humming.

   You never hear about post-opera revelers running amok, looting and pillaging Grand Avenue, not even after Achim Freyer’s recent and controversial Wagner Ring cycle. Maybe it’s because they were tapped out by the average five-hour running time per installment. But a Lakers game probably clocks in at roughly the same length, and look at how that turned out. More Wotan, less Kobe, for a more peaceful planet.

   And what is it with these Russian spies amongst us? I thought that “We will bury you” crap ended after we tore down “that wall.” We’ve already buried ourselves, so what could they possibly be looking for? The secret of how to wage two wars badly at the same time? How to get absolutely nothing done politically at all? Or is it that Holy Grail of American ingenuity, the secret formulation for Coca-Cola?

   Can’t we all just get along? No one ever “wins” at Fashion Week-they just fight for the good seats and the goody bags.

   More silk jersey and less soccer jersey for a more peaceful planet.

   Down with the W-Cup. Up with the C-cup, the D-cup, and the Double-D.

   Can’t we all just get along? Can’t we all just cop a feel?

   Is the World Cup over yet?